Dear Girlfriend 911,
I emailed you earlier about my boyfriend of two years who just underwent major surgery and keeps letting his ex-wife back in to his life. I have written my standards list and my angry list. I read them almost every night. I wrote the Goodbye Letter and took it to him about a week after he got home from the hospital. I am second guessing myself and wondering if I should have waited to give him the letter when he was off his pain meds and more recuperated. I am wondering if I should send him another copy now that he has recovered more.
I have talked to him a couple of times. I am his insurance agent and had information for him. We also have a mutual friend who also just underwent major surgery two days ago and I left him a message about that. He called me back to see how our friend did in surgery. Each time he has called we have talked for almost an hour. All it has done is make me miss him more.
As I read what I have written, these sound like excuses to me. I do want your opinion on resending the letter. This is HARD!!! I was feeling so empowered, but I do not want to go back to feeling second rate.
Thanks for all you do.
I think you need to reread my book and follow the steps after you send the Goodbye Letter. No need to send it again, but clearly you're not sticking to my program and listening to what I'm telling you to do. The Goodbye Letter only works once you've sent
it if you stick to what you've said in it - your words and your actions must match. He can't be in your life at all unless he's ready to be in it 100% on your terms. Anything less is not acceptable, and you deserve so much more than that!!
So if you've sent the letter and he's not willing to do what you've asked of him to do, then why are you talking to him at all? Find him another insurance agent. You leaving him a message when your mutual friend had surgery is just an excuse for you to get in touch with him, and that is NOT allowed. Now, not only is he having his cake and eating it, "we have talked for almost an hour," but how can he believe a word you say? I assume in your Goodbye Letter you told him he couldn't be in your life, and now you're finding every excuse out there to make sure he is still in your life. You're enabling him, and giving him no incentive to change. The only way he will have the opportunity to change, if he makes that choice, is for you cut him out of your life cold turkey and not allow him back unless he's where you need him to be. And if at some point moving forward he does start reaching out, wanting to see you and wanting to go back to the way things used to be, keep reminding him he can't be in your life unless he's on the same page as you are. In other words, it's all or nothing!
Dear Girlfriend 911,
You are so right!! I am rereading your book. I am consciously working on what I think about and how I feel.
As I was walking down my hall the other day, a song popped in to my head. It is an old, old country western song. The lyrics that are running constantly through my mind are, "I got along without you before I met you gonna get along without you now." I think someone is trying to tell me something.
Thanks for the verbal kick in the butt.