Dear GF911: Awesome Book! Advice For Married?

Dear Girlfriend 911,

Loved your book!  My sister got it on her Kindle and liked it so much that she bought it for all her sisters.  There is so much that rings true to me with everything you say....and stuff that I always sort of knew!  

I am married with kids and this is the one thing that I have taken into account that makes my situation a little different.  I have been married for almost 23 years and have three grown up children.  Very happy marriage (so I thought) until a year and a half ago when I was sort of "picking up on" something going on and finally got my husband, Kevin, to admit he was unhappy.  I found out he was having an affair with someone he worked with.  He filed for divorce, but never followed through.  He has been very confused and told me several times that it is a confusing time for him.  I am seeing that the grass isn't that green on the other side!  During this time we have been intimate several times and we get along great.  He has told me he has considered handling this with me, but just cant seem to commit.  

I see that your advice would help but because of the kids and the situation, I can't completely disconnect from him.  He gives me money and we get together for visits.  Does that make sense?  I like your advice but don't know how to fit it in with our situation.  I have told lots of my friends about your book.  You're so wise for someone not being married and no kids....rock on, lady!!  

Michelle xoxo 

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for taking the time to write.  I always love hearing from people who've read the book and are looking to incorporate my Girlfriend 911 advice into their lives.

Here is my advice:

I wrote Girlfriend 911 in part to help you to take responsibility for your part in your relationship.  Basically, having the courage to change your behavior if what you're currently doing is not working. It’s always hard when you’ve been doing it one way (the wrong way) for so long, but it’s definitely not impossible. When I read your email what I got very strongly is that Kevin has all the power here and he is the one making all the decisions. It seems to me
that you are just sitting around waiting for him to decide whether to file for divorce, or whether to get back together with you. And that is never a good position to be in. You need to turn this around and take your power back, girlfriend! You need to be the one in control of this situation, not Kevin.  Here is how you do that:

Decide what it is exactly you want from this situation, and stick to it. It sounds to me like you're still in love with Kevin and want to be married to him. If this is true, you need to tell him that, in no uncertain terms, and explain to him that unless he feels the same way, and wants the same as you do, he can't be in your life. If he's still confused and doesn't know what it is that he wants, then cut the ties and cut him out of your life. Trust me when I tell you, if you do that he will figure it out a lot quicker than what you're allowing him to do right now. 

As you have children I understand you can't cut him out completely, but I would keep communication with him very brief and only discuss issues regarding your children. As far as your finances go, my advice is get a legal order in place so that every month he pays you a fixed amount of money and therefore can't use finances as a way to manipulate you, or as an excuse to get back into your life. At the moment Michelle you have no boundaries where Kevin is concerned, as you are allowing him to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, to whomever he wants, and this behavior is just not acceptable. So stop it immediately.  Create a standard for yourself and make sure Kevin comes up to it. Don't you think you deserve more? I do, and I know Kevin will too because men are attracted to women who are strong, independent, self-empowered and happy.

I know this might sound like tough love, but trust me it's the only way for one of two things to happen; either Kevin comes back to you on your terms and you get a fresh start for your marriage, or you get him out of your life for good so that you can move on and find the happiness you truly deserve. I hope my advice has been helpful.  Thanks again for reaching out.

Girlfriend 911

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