I read your book and loved it!! So here's my question. I met a guy at a party. We spent the whole night talking and he asked for my number. He called me a few days later and asked me out. We went out on one date. We had a really good time and I genuinely like him. He called me two days after the date and we had a good chat. On the call he said he'd loved to go out again and I reiterated the same. A few more days later he texted me happy new year and I responded by wishing him a happy new year as well. Ten more days have gone by since then with no word from him. Then yesterday he texted me "Hello Young Lady" Okay so I'm "reading the signs" and clearly they are showing me there is no urgency from him to ask me out, or see me again. In your book you say we should always follow the man's lead at the beginning of the dating process so I wanted to respond back and say "Well, hello gentlemen" Is this the right thing to do? Or should I just ignore him?
Thanks for reading my book and I'm really glad you loved it! Firstly, good for you for "reading the signs" that are so clearly telling you this guy is not where you need him to be. As you said you liked him, I do think it's worth responding and I think
Jennifer Aniston: "Here’s where I come out on this topic: we are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone. Let’s make that decision for ourselves and for the young women in this world who look to us as examples. Let’s make that decision consciously, outside of the tabloid noise. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own “happily ever after” for ourselves." #girlpower
Dear Girlfriend 911,
First off I want to say that I love your book. I read it while I was single and dating and it really helped me a lot! Now that I'm single again, I have gone back to your book because I am in a situation right now where I am lost and unsure of what to do.
A few months ago a co-worker asked me out. I didn't think much of it in the beginning, as to me it was just going out with a co-worker as friends, but things progressed and I started having feelings for him. We then took the relationship to the next level, but no clear boundaries were established. Unfortunately, a couple months into seeing each other he announced that he had accepted a job promotion and was moving to San Francisco. I was really bummed, but we planned that I would visit him in December. Stupidly, we did not have a talk about where we stood before he left. To be honest, I was too afraid and did not want to deal with the awkwardness of the conversation, which I am regretting now. He's been gone since September. We still text each other and he does say he misses me, but I can feel he's pulling away.
Last week, he was in town for a quick turn around to move out all of his stuff from his apartment. He texted couple days before to let me know that he was going to be in town and would love to see me. I was so excited that I was going to see him and then the next day he told me he wouldn't be able to see me because he was too busy packing. I was really upset when he told me that because he got my hopes up and I thought it was strange that he did not have any time to spare to see me, even for just an hour.
Now he's back in San Francisco he's texts me about once a week. He does say sweet things like he thinks I'm beautiful and he misses me, but the problem is I feel really sad about the situation, and I want this sadness to go away. When I hear from him it's so wonderful and I'm happy again, but when I don't hear from him for another week I'm so sad in-between. I don't know if it's because we didn't have that talk before he left and there are things left unsaid, or because I want more and I know he doesn't because it's long distance. I know now that it would not be a good idea for me to visit him in December, because it will be a short moment of romance and then I would have to go back home. That will leave me hurt all over again. I am unsure of what to do at this point. Should I continue to keep in touch with him and assume that we are just friends now? Or should I have that talk we didn't get to have about where we stand? Or should I say goodbye and let him go?
I feel so lost and helpless right now. Your advice and help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much for reaching out and for your kind words regarding Girlfriend 911.
The reason you're feeling so sad is because you've been operating from a place of fear, and fear is very disempowering. Also, you haven't set an appropriate boundary in this situation and you've given all your power away to your co-worker; he's the one calling all the shots and you're just going along with HIS plan, never getting a chance to tell him YOUR plan.
Even if what you ultimately want from this situation isn't what he wants, you have to tell him where you stand and what you want from him. Whether you do it in person, send him an email, or a text message this conversation needs to be had. Once you do this, one of two things will happen: 1)He will be on the same page as you and you guys can figure out how to have a long distance relationship or 2) Speaking your truth will set you free.
I just know as you soon as you get in the driver's seat and take the wheel so-to-speak, you're going to feel so much better and quite empowered.
I hope this helps you.
I'm fascinated by the latest dating phenomenon called, "ghosting" and have posted about it a couple of times. Basically, ghosting happens when two people are dating, one person wants to end it, but doesn't have the courage to have an adult conversation and communicate where they're at, so instead they just cowardly disappear and "ghost" you. It's what I call anti-Girlfriend 911 behaviour. It's rude, inconsiderate, immature, and the opposite of how I think decent human beings should behave. Yes, I get that it's the easy way out to just bail without any explanation, but if you've ever been "ghosted" you know how awful it feels. Well now there's a column called "Boom, Ghosted," where people share their horrible "ghosting" stories. Unfortunately, I don't think it will encourage people to "ghost" less, but at least you know you're not alone. http://elitedai.ly/29miPHn
Thank you for producing a highly helpful and thought-provoking book.Dear Girlfriend 911,
I think the real gem for me was your Personal Mantra, “I want to be in a healthy, monogamous, long-term relationship with you, and if you’re not on the same page, you can’t be in my life.”
I have adapted this based on my 57 years of life experience to make it two-way unisex as follows:
1. “We cannot progress to the next stage of our relationship with each other unless we are totally on the same page with regard to seeing a real possibility of a healthy, monogamous, long-term relationship with each other.”
2. “WHENEVER we're not totally on the same page, there's to be NO sex of any kind between us.”
3. “If we cannot learn to stay on the same page most of the time, then one of us is going to have to end the relationship.”
What do you think of my modifications, please?
All the best,
Thank you so much for reaching out and for your very kind words about Girlfriend 911.
As the book is primarily geared towards women, it's not very often that I get to hear the man's point of view, so I really appreciate you sharing your insight with me. I think your modifications are great, and as long as you stick to them (sometimes easier said than done), I'm sure you will be able to attract and sustain a long-term, healthy and happy relationship.
Dear Girlfriend 911,
I emailed you earlier about my boyfriend of two years who just underwent major surgery and keeps letting his ex-wife back in to his life. I have written my standards list and my angry list. I read them almost every night. I wrote the Goodbye Letter and took it to him about a week after he got home from the hospital. I am second guessing myself and wondering if I should have waited to give him the letter when he was off his pain meds and more recuperated. I am wondering if I should send him another copy now that he has recovered more.
I have talked to him a couple of times. I am his insurance agent and had information for him. We also have a mutual friend who also just underwent major surgery two days ago and I left him a message about that. He called me back to see how our friend did in surgery. Each time he has called we have talked for almost an hour. All it has done is make me miss him more.
As I read what I have written, these sound like excuses to me. I do want your opinion on resending the letter. This is HARD!!! I was feeling so empowered, but I do not want to go back to feeling second rate.
Thanks for all you do.
I think you need to reread my book and follow the steps after you send the Goodbye Letter. No need to send it again, but clearly you're not sticking to my program and listening to what I'm telling you to do. The Goodbye Letter only works once you've sent