Dear Girlfriend 911,
First off I want to say that I love your book. I read it while I was single and dating and it really helped me a lot! Now that I'm single again, I have gone back to your book because I am in a situation right now where I am lost and unsure of what to do.
A few months ago a co-worker asked me out. I didn't think much of it in the beginning, as to me it was just going out with a co-worker as friends, but things progressed and I started having feelings for him. We then took the relationship to the next level, but no clear boundaries were established. Unfortunately, a couple months into seeing each other he announced that he had accepted a job promotion and was moving to San Francisco. I was really bummed, but we planned that I would visit him in December. Stupidly, we did not have a talk about where we stood before he left. To be honest, I was too afraid and did not want to deal with the awkwardness of the conversation, which I am regretting now. He's been gone since September. We still text each other and he does say he misses me, but I can feel he's pulling away.
Last week, he was in town for a quick turn around to move out all of his stuff from his apartment. He texted couple days before to let me know that he was going to be in town and would love to see me. I was so excited that I was going to see him and then the next day he told me he wouldn't be able to see me because he was too busy packing. I was really upset when he told me that because he got my hopes up and I thought it was strange that he did not have any time to spare to see me, even for just an hour.
Now he's back in San Francisco he's texts me about once a week. He does say sweet things like he thinks I'm beautiful and he misses me, but the problem is I feel really sad about the situation, and I want this sadness to go away. When I hear from him it's so wonderful and I'm happy again, but when I don't hear from him for another week I'm so sad in-between. I don't know if it's because we didn't have that talk before he left and there are things left unsaid, or because I want more and I know he doesn't because it's long distance. I know now that it would not be a good idea for me to visit him in December, because it will be a short moment of romance and then I would have to go back home. That will leave me hurt all over again. I am unsure of what to do at this point. Should I continue to keep in touch with him and assume that we are just friends now? Or should I have that talk we didn't get to have about where we stand? Or should I say goodbye and let him go?
I feel so lost and helpless right now. Your advice and help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much for reaching out and for your kind words regarding Girlfriend 911.
The reason you're feeling so sad is because you've been operating from a place of fear, and fear is very disempowering. Also, you haven't set an appropriate boundary in this situation and you've given all your power away to your co-worker; he's the one calling all the shots and you're just going along with HIS plan, never getting a chance to tell him YOUR plan.
Even if what you ultimately want from this situation isn't what he wants, you have to tell him where you stand and what you want from him. Whether you do it in person, send him an email, or a text message this conversation needs to be had. Once you do this, one of two things will happen: 1)He will be on the same page as you and you guys can figure out how to have a long distance relationship or 2) Speaking your truth will set you free.
I just know as you soon as you get in the driver's seat and take the wheel so-to-speak, you're going to feel so much better and quite empowered.
I hope this helps you.